Lost
by RulerOfAllThatIsEvilChiFlowers
Summary: Getting accepted into the Chicago Police Academy was always the ambition for Erin Lindsay. That was only after meeting Voight, who have kindly taken her under his wing and love her like the daughter he have always wanted and never had. But what happens when a mistake threatens her future? The future she worked so hard for. A mistake that can ruin her for the greater good. #Linstead
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

She didn't know what had gotten into her tonight, bursting into someone's bedroom at the penthouse where the party was, tearing off the clothes of a complete stranger. Nope, she definitely knows what has gotten into her. It was all the alcohol surging through her veins.

She can't even remember how everything started or who initiated but she now found her face pressed against his.

His lips were soft and hard all at once as he kissed her hungrily and she moaned into his mouth, arms wound around his neck. Her long fingers tangled in his soft auburn locks and his muscled arms were around her waist. Not long later, he was gripping her thighs, hoisting her up and backing her into the wall, never breaking the kiss.

Butterflies swarmed her stomach as he bit her bottom lip gently until their tongues were sliding against one another. She tightened her legs around his torso as if she would fall at any second even when she knew she wouldn't. Her lips tingled from all the kisses and when he pulled away, she gasped for air and he nipped down the nape of her neck.

One of his arms were under her butt to hold her in place and the other was wrapped around her waist as he started walking towards the bed. Like the gentleman that he was he gently placed her on the bed on whosever bedroom they were in and hovered over her. His hand slid up her bare thighs, squeezing them as his lips teased her agonising ones.

Her fingers traced the muscles on his torso and stomach, leaving her wondering if he was in the military. From his appearance, politeness and haircut to the way he carried himself. Definitely military. She was sure of it.

Slipping her hands under the hem of his boxers, he shivered under her soft touch. His hands travelled up further and grasped her breast, making her moan as he squeezed gently. He smirked deviously before kissing her again and trailing his hands down the expanse of her body, pushing her legs apart so he was in between them. Fingers brushing her inner thighs, making her let out a hefty moan of pleasure before he caresses her core with his thumb, fire ignited deep in her belly.

His lips descended, rubbing her faster before plunging into her folds, causing her to scream and spread her legs even wider, inviting him to touch her how ever he wanted.

She straddled him one last time before he positioned himself in between so he could thrust into her. Clutching his shoulders, she leaned down, chest to chest, them kissing each other deep, their tongues dancing against one another as she grind on him, driving her hips back and forth. Gasping each time he went deeper.

As the night ended, she slowly creeped out of the bedroom and out the once alive, music blaring penthouse, hopping past passed out bodies. She went ahead with the walk of shame back to her best friend's apartment since she definitely couldn't risk walking into her house the way she is and not face the wrath of Hank Voight.

Stumbling into Kim's apartment, she flopped down onto the couch. The night faded away. His face, his freckles, his baby blues, his auburn curls forever gone. Disappearing into a bundle of tangled memories in her head. Memories that she will most likely never recall.

As she fell asleep in her tangled sheets, a cheeky grin plastered her face. She lived wildly for once in a very long time and now that it was over, she didn't regret a second of it.

* * *

The bright sun rays pierced through her closed eyelids as Kim very intentionally pried the curtains apart, purposely torturing her friend.

"HOLY SHIT!" Erin exclaimed, covering her now overly sensitive pupils with a pillow. Someone must have bashed her brains into a wall since it was literally throbbing against her skull. Kim laughed at watching her friend freak out and Erin tried to wipe drool off her chin.

"Ugh! I'm never drinking again." she groaned while rubbing her eyes. "Tell me again, why _you_ didn't stop me..." she reached out for the cup of concoction Kim handed out to her. A concoction of god knows what.  
"You being the stubborn Erin...that I love so dearly..." she began then quickly tried to save her ass with the added analogy, "Well, _you_ didn't listen to me so..."

Erin brought the cup to her lips, the stench was so fowl that just inhaling it was enough to sober her up. She didn't need to drink it anymore. But she still willingly chug the awful, bitter liquid down her throat, leaving her with a questionable aftertaste on her tongue.

They sat quietly for a while, listening to the birds chirping outside, until she felt Kim's piercing gaze burning right through her. She knew what she wanted.

 _Details_

Sure enough as she looked up at her; a grin spread across her face, her brow was arched and her elbows propped on her lap with her chin on her palms.  
"Soooooo?" she probed.

"What?" Erin shrugged, pretending as she didn't know what she was talking about.  
"Oh c'mon, Erin!" she raised her brow again, tapping her nails against the coffee table, impatiently waiting for her response.

"Fine. I had sex. Happy?" she finally blurted and just as quickly Kim gasped loudly. So loudly that she almost choked on all the air she had just breathed in.

Kim looked at her in sheer disbelief, blinking a couple more times to ensure reality. Her mouth gaped seemingly about to say something but she quickly snapped it shut. It wasn't like Kim to be speechless, she always had something to say or too much to say. It was clear she was in complete shock.

Erin wasn't one to sleep around with anyone and everyone in sight but last night, it was different.

 _He was different._

He was a perfect gentleman. From what she could remember that is. No one in her entire life had treated her the way he did. It was probably the alcohol that made him look like a saint in her eyes.

Still, last night, she felt alive for the first time in a very long time. For the first time in six years, ever since Voight took her off the streets, she felt free. Though she very much appreciated all Voight's efforts in helping her straighten up her life, she felt constricted at times, as though she couldn't and shouldn't disappoint him. Just so as to please the old man, she never, not once, until last night, went to her old ways.

"You're crazy!" Kim exhaled. "You got balls, Erin Lindsay! I can't ever do that...I mean one night stand-"  
"Whoa! Don't call it that!" she cringed at the term.

"What do you wanna call it then? You hooked up with a stranger for one night. No strings attached. The total definition of a one night stand."

"Please! You're just jealous cuz you're playing house with what's his name!" she joked.  
Kim smacked her friend's shoulder, knowing she didn't meant it and playfully rub the huge rock on her ring finger in her face, "So was he any good?"

She paused for a moment and pressed the mug to her lips, still embarrassed and not wanting to discuss the matter but she had to share it with her best friend. It was just too good to keep it to herself.  
"It was amazing. No scratch that it was incredible...I think it was...well, definitely the best sex I've ever had!" they laughed and squealed gleefully liked schoolgirls, "And that's all I can literally say on that matter."

"Like hell you can!" Kim protested, "You cannot use that many adjectives to describe how great the sex was and just leave me hanging! Spill it!"  
"Girl, if I could, I would." she shrugged, "I just can't remember much. All I can remember were his piercing ocean blue eyes and how my palms felt against his soft, soft auburn hair." she felt goosebumps rippled through her entire body at the little information she recalled of last night.

"Redhead. Umm that's a first. So I guess you won't be seeing him again?"

She sighed, taking a slow sip and stared off into space. "Not in a million years. Chicago is a huge city, my dear."  
"So look him up on Facebook or something." she nudged, smiling brightly at her own witty idea as if she just found the cure to cancer.

Erin laughed again then settled her concoction on the coffee table and glanced back to her best friend who still was gleaming.

"Do _you_ know his name? Cuz I don't."

* * *

"Erin!" the sharp tone of Voight's gravelly voice snapped her out of her deep slumber and she practically jumped out of bed.  
"You get down here right now!" he yelled, slamming the front door, the four walls shook angrily at her.

Scrambling to her feet, she debated whether going downstairs was a smart move. She could just stay in bed and pretend to be asleep or simply face the old man. Either way, he would never let it go.

She sighed, mentally preparing herself as she very reluctantly strutted down the steps. Sure enough a fuming Hank Voight stood at the bottom of the stairs, arms crossed over his chest.

"Yes?"

He simply looked at her disapprovingly. "You wanna tell me why I got a call from your instructor telling me that you didn't show up today?!" he yelled, shaking his head. He definitely was not expecting this kind of behaviour from her. At least not anymore. Old Erin would defile him till the end of time but new Erin, never. She was about to graduate on top of her class in the Academy so he doesn't understand what has gotten into her.

She looked down at the ground as her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Twenty one years old, six years later, he was still screaming at her like she was fifteen. Never did she want to disappoint him but she did anyway. "I'm sorry. I wasn't feeling so good this morning."

Ever since that night, four weeks ago, she have been under the weather. Hangovers weren't supposed to last this long. Since a majority of her young adult life comprised of cheap booze, cigarettes and weed, she knew something wasn't right. She was supposed to be the Queen of Hangovers. Something was definitely wrong with her. The pounding in her head never seemed to go away no matter how many Tylenols she popped. And to make matters worse, her stomach churned none stop. This morning she found herself heaving into the toilet, rendering her incompetent for today's defensive tactics class.

Voight's frown deepened, his expression soften as he approached her. "Why didn't you call me?" he asked. With all the cases, late nights and piled up paperwork, he haven't been home in days.

"I didn't want to disturb you." she shrugged, "I know you're busy. Besides I'm a big girl now, I can take care of myself." she forced a smile, looking at the man she knows as dad.

"Nonsense." he shook his head, "You'll always be my baby girl." he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in for a side hug, "Don't tell Justin this but you've always been my favourite."

She chuckled and they stayed like that for a while, father and daughter, before he began once again, "I'm so proud of you, kiddo. You've come a long way. Feels like it was yesterday I brought you home. I still remember how freaked Camille was that day." she smiled at the memory and they both looked over to the sofa.

On her first day at the Voight household, Camille had just returned back home from work to find a delinquent lying on her pristine white couch with her walkman blaring and filthy converse, causing a black stain that, still, to this day, nobody could wash out.

"Now in four months, you'll graduate on top, 90th percentile...or higher. No pressure. I'm just saying you're smarter than your old man, you can do way better than me."

Little did they both know of the disappointment that lies ahead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

As she slumped against her seat at her Criminal Behaviour Analysis class, she felt as though she was about to explode. She simply cannot take this queasy feel any longer. She can't remember the last time her head didn't hurt so bad or stomach didn't churn into painful knots.

 _What kind of stomach flu was this?_

A little over a month has passed and her condition still remained, more or less, the same.

Right now, the instructor was babbling on about criminal profiling and normally she would be attentive, jotting down notes but today, Erin couldn't care less. She just needed to go home and lie down.

"Crime is a manifestation of feelings of oppression and people's inability to develop the proper psychological defence and rationales to keep these feelings under control. Now, can anyone tell me which theorem suggests this viewpoint?"

 _Freud's Psychoanalytical Theory_

Silence, no one answered. Lethargy had taken over and she simply couldn't get herself to concentrate on the babbling elder. Just then she saw the instructor, who was never a fan of hers, probably because Voight had pissed him off back in the day, scowling at her, she gave a silent prayer to the almighty above for what she knows is about to come.

"Recruit Lindsay."

 _Oh God!_

With wobbly knees, she got up from her seat, still sick as ever. "Yes, Sir..." she cleared her throat. Kim took notice of her friends' complexion and wondered whether this stomach flu like Erin claimed to have was normal.

"You have an answer for me, recruit."

Her stomach was churning yet again, just as it had when she first woke up this morning. With her clouded eyes, she blinked repeatedly at her instructor. A layer of sweat coated her upper lip, the sleekness travelling down her neck to her sickly body as she trembled, drenched in her own bodily fluid.

She was gaping like a fish out of water, fearing at any moment she would explode.

"Just because your daddy's the detective for the infamous Intelligence Unit doesn't mean you deserve special treatment in my class, recruit." the whole class went silent and all eyes were on her.

The way he had said that sentence was so condescending, setting fire deep in her belly, she just want to sucker punch the old man but she knew she couldn't. Old Erin wouldn't think twice but present Erin knew to think about her future. She needed to graduate.

 _Just four more months. Just four more months, Erin._

"Fr..." her eyes widen and her body froze, she felt her mouth salivating a little too much, the bile rising up her esophagus, she knew what was coming. Kicking her way out of the classroom, she ran for the closest bathroom.

The class began to explode into silent chatter, watching as one of their recruits sprinted for the door. The instructor shrugged and continued with his teaching like nothing ever happened.

Adam glanced over at Kim, who was just as baffled, "What's wrong with her? I've noticed her acting strange lately."  
Kim too had noticed Erin being too queasy but every time she tries to bring it up, she simply shrugged it off as the stomach flu. But stomach flues doesn't only occur in the mornings and it surely doesn't last this long.

"I'll go check on her."

Managing to make it to the toilet just in time, the bile splashed against the white porcelain as her body heaved. She hurled her guts outs, choking and coughing as her body still tried to exit anything that was in her even when her stomach had absolutely nothing left.

Racing towards the bathroom, Kim looked for a closed stall that would indicate her friend was inside.  
"Erin?" she asked, knocking on the closed door. "You there?"

She heard a cough, throat being cleared and the toilet being flushed before a raspy voice replied back at her. "Yap."  
"You ok?" Kim asked, biting her bottom lip, "Could you open the door?"

After a few seconds of deathly silence, the stall door clicked open to reveal her red-eyed sickly friend. She gasped and entered into the stall with her and when Erin's face contorted, she helped, immediately lifting up her hair. Kim crinkled in distaste when the bitter smell of acid hit her nostrils.

After Erin flushed the toilet, sure that that was the last of it, she braced a hand against the wall, lightheaded, with Kim still holding her, making sure she wouldn't fall. Erin had never felt like this before, like she was about to faint at any given second.

"You don't look so good, Erin."

Kim stated the obvious as Erin wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and flopped down onto the cool tiles with her knees tucked to her chest.

"What's happening to me?" Erin practically whispered, burying her face in her hands as another wave of nausea flooded over her. Kim knelt beside her, rubbing her back.  
"I don't know." she shrugged, "But it's definitely not the stomach flu like you said. I'm starting to worry, Erin."

 _If not stomach flu then what else can it be?_

To her, there wasn't any other reasonable explanation.

 _Cancer? Oh gosh!_

"C'mon," Kim pulled her up from the ground, "I'm taking you to the hospital."  
"What?" Erin whined.

Even though she didn't want to believe it or go to the hospital for a matter of fact, she knew Kim was right. All her twenty one years of life, she have never been so miserably sick. This was definitely a sign telling her that something was very wrong with her body.

Clutching onto her forearm and holding her almost deadweight, Kim dragged her out of the stall. "I'm texting Adam to grab our stuff and meet us in the parking lot."

 _Does he really have to be everywhere we go?_

Erin rolled her eyes as she rinse out the deathly aftertaste that was still stuck on her tongue. Their inseparability was just as sickening. She couldn't understand how her friend have become so dependent on him. But with the amount of time she've come to know him, he seems to genuinely love and care for her friend. So she allowed herself ignore the fact that he looks like he crawled out of a failed grunge band.

* * *

Now that she was in the confines of the doctor's office and away from Kim's nervous fidgeting, she had stupidly thought that she could finally relax. But to her dismay, she felt even worse. And this time, she was the one nervously fidgeting, waiting impatiently for her doctor to come back with the results of her blood work. Now, she regretted forcing Kim to wait in the waiting area. She wanted the comfort of her best friend by her side when the doctor returns, informing her of her fate.

 _What's taking him seriously long?_

Minutes of more waiting, the doctor came back after spending, what seemed like forever, in getting her results and closed the door behind him. His thick black frames sat on the bridge of his nose as he stared down at the paperwork attached to the clipboard. The eerie silence and his concentration on that piece of paper made her even more nervous and her stomach churned yet again.

 _Oh no!_

He maneuvered his way over to the bed she was sitting on and finally made eye contact with his patient, which only intensified the fears of her impending doom.

She can see it. Something was definitely wrong with her. He had found something in her results. He doesn't even have to say anything else anymore. She can see it in his eyes. Eyes that were telling her; she's dying; she has cancer.

"Miss Lindsay, I have your results..."

She gulped the lump formed at the back of her throat, her breathing eradicated. This was it. Her life. Her future. She has no future anymore. She can't ever become a cop.

Just as he was about to open his mouth again, "Wait! Wait!" she begged. Closing her eyes to fight back tears, she took a deep breath, preparing herself for the worst.  
"Ok." she exhaled, "Give it to me."

The doctor gave her a weak smile and glanced back down at the paper. He wasn't too sure whether the news he was about to give will or will not excite his patient.

"So, Miss Lindsay, according to your blood panel, you're six weeks pregnant. Congratulations."

As soon as the word _pregnant_ fell out of his lips, she was deserted. She was frozen in time, holding her breath. She can't be pregnant. Not now. Not ever.

 _Pregnant_

She tried blinking again and again and again to wake herself up from the nightmare she must be having. But he was still there, in front of her, with a stupid grin plastered on his face.

 _Pregnant_

After a while of advising her of the dos and don'ts, to which she barely heard a word, she was free to go and was prescribed with a combination of doxylamine and pyridoxine to help with, what was all along, severe morning sickness, and a bunch of prenatal vitamins for foetal development. Since morning sickness had rendered her malnourished, taking the vitamins was not only vital for the foetus growth but hers as well.

 _Pregnant_

As she walked out of his office like a possessed mad woman, she still couldn't process the fact that at this moment, this hour, this minute, this second, she was carrying a child, a person, inside.

 _Pregnant_

Voight will be so disappointed. She can practically see the disappointment and disgust in his eyes. He have had high hopes for her. Graduating the Academy on top. Swearing in as a cop for the City of Chicago. And hopefully promoting to detective in the near future. He had expected so much from her and now all his hard work and dedication will go down the drain all because she made a dumb mistake, all because she couldn't keep her legs closed.

 _Pregnant_

She had somehow mentally prepared herself to be told that there was a growing tumour somewhere inside of her, that she really was dying. Not that she was pregnant. Cancer was so much better than pregnancy. At least in that way, it wasn't her fault. At least with cancer, Voight wouldn't be disappointed.

 _Pregnant_

Her future was ruined because of her stupid decision. In four months, she was supposed to graduate the Academy. In 16 weeks, she was supposed to walk out the Academy with a certificate in hand. How the hell is she going to take the physical exam with a gigantic belly?

 _Pregnant_

Only then that it hit her that she didn't even know who the baby's father was, the other reason to why her life was over. The only man she had slept with. In that stupid party, 6 weeks ago. And to make matters even worse, she can't recall how he looks like or even his name. He, the stranger, was the only possibility, the only person that could have gotten her pregnant.

 _Who the hell is he?_

She kept her composure as she made her way back to the waiting area, even though she was in panic mode. On the verge of a mental breakdown for the life she had worked so hard to straighten out.

"Oh gosh Erin! What did the doctor say?" Kim chimed, running towards her the moment she walked into the waiting area with Adam following suit. Erin gave her the faintest of smiles, trying her best not to cry, trying her best to not look defeated.

"Well, it turns out...food poisoning." she lied, not looking either of them in the eyes. She didn't want to confess them of her stupidity. A mistake, a drunken night that had gotten her pregnant. She was ashamed. She didn't even know the guy. She didn't even know his name. This behaviour was not like her. Not anymore at least. And they didn't need to know just yet. What if she opt for Plan B?

"I'm gonna pick up my prescription. You guys wait for me in the car." she said, needing her space for just a bit.

"You sure?"

Nodding, "Yeah." she insisted.

Again as she walked down the pale white corridors, tears stung her eyes. One night. One stupid night, she decided to let loose, she ended up pregnant.

 _Six weeks_

For six weeks, she was walking around in absolute oblivion to the fact that there was a human inside her.

For six whole weeks, it never, not once, crossed her damn mind that she could be with child.

 _How dumb can you be, Erin?_

She was drunk that night, too drunk to remember a thing, anything for that matter. And that stupid fool must have been as equally stupid and drunk that he had forgotten to use protection.

 _Auburn_

All she could recall was his gorgeous head of auburn curls and how amazing the sex was. Like that would do her any good.

She didn't know what to do anymore. Her future. The Academy. The human inside of her. The stranger she slept with who impregnated her. The man who treated her like one of his own - Hank Voight.

What the hell is she going to do with this baby?  
She didn't want it. She couldn't keep it but at the same time, she didn't want to kill it. Keeping it means wasting all her time and effort in the Academy and possibly losing her chance of becoming a cop.

How is she going to face Voight?  
He's definitely going to kill her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Two more weeks has passed since finding out her heartbreaking predicament. Nothing much has changed expect that the morning sickness was deemed more barely now that she was taking the medication prescribed.

Voight still was hardly ever home, spending most nights at the District due to the load of cases he has in his hands. All of which Erin didn't complain since that meant he wouldn't be pestering her too much whenever she gets sick.

Now that the exams were exactly three months away, twelve weeks later, everything seemed to be even more nerve-wracking than before. Plus being eight weeks pregnant and not exactly knowing what to do with the baby or her future, it was stress her body couldn't take. And she was sure her cortisol levels were through the roof.

Right now, she sat impatiently at the waiting area of the OB clinic alongside with a dozen other pregnant women and their husbands.  
Today was her very first checkup and she hadn't got a clue on what to expect. Her nerves were driving her over the edge especially when watching the women, who looked as though they were about to pop, waddle their way in and out of the clinic. She could have never imagine herself in such shape. Never. Bunny had scared her for life.

 _When is she going to call my name!_

The wait for her name being called was a hundred times more stressful than all the situational stress exercises she had to take this afternoon at the Academy. That was why, she looked like a mess. Her hair was tied into a really unflattering bun, her shirt was stained with sweat and she blushed in embarrassment. All the women looked prim and proper while she was unkempt. She can only hope the odour that was lingering in the air was coming from elsewhere.

Coming straight from the Academy, she hadn't got time to change or even take a shower or else she would've had to reschedule for another appointment, for a month later. It was time she didn't have. She needed to get this done and over with. And discuss with the doctor about her options.

She hasn't told anyone yet. Not that it really mattered anyway since she had other plans in dealing with the baby. She hadn't got much of a choice, it was getting in the way of her future.

"I'm guessing this is your first appointment, am I right?"

Erin looked to her right, stopping her legs from fidgeting as a petite woman who looked to be in her mid 30's smiled at her.  
She chuckled in response. "Yea. That obvious?"

"Don't worry too much. I promise it gets better. Trust me." she looked down at her belly, gently rubbing circles, "On my first visit, I was a nervous wreck. Couldn't stop crying the entire week leading up to the appointment. My husband had to make a lot of late night ice cream purchases just so I'd stop crying. I still do not know if it was the hormones or if I was actually really nervous."

They both laughed and the woman tucked a few strands of her golden brown hair behind her ears. At that moment, Erin realised that she resembled somewhat oddly like her. It looked as though she was looking at a mirror. But this time, the mirror was reflecting an image of a woman older and much more beautiful than her.

"How far along are you?" her raspy voice croaked.

Erin stared at her dark green eyes, a shade that too was similar to hers. A beauty mark nestled on the expanse of her right cheek, she was literally glowing. Erin was never a firm believer of the 'pregnancy glow' as she, herself, definitely wasn't glowing. But the woman beside her was like an angel sent from the heavens above.

"Ahh...I'm eight weeks. You?"

She smiled, the slight indentation on her cheeks made her look timeless, and she placed her hand over the top of her plump stomach again. It was clear that this women was very happy with her pregnancy, something Erin was definitely not accustomed to. She didn't want to think about the fact that there was another human growing inside of her, let alone give birth to it.

The science behind it still didn't make any sense to her and she was very confused on how it was even physically possible for women to carry a person in their body cavities. She didn't want to be in this position but it was she who brought it upon herself. If she could, she would go back and rewrite January and definitely skip that stupid party in a heartbeat.

"I'm six months. She's our first. Anna Noelle. We're so excited." she squealed and Erin couldn't help but feel a tiny pang envious of her. This woman had her entire life where she wanted.

 _Anna Noelle_

She wanted to tear up, her name was so beautiful.

"Jesse, my husband, couldn't make it today unfortunately." she frowned and Erin nodded slowly, turning her head away. Gulping down the fears growing at the back of her throat, she didn't want her to ask about her 'husband' or her non-existent boyfriend.

After a few more small talks with the kind woman, kind enough to never question her of her 'husband', her name was finally called. Shakily, she rose to her feet and look down at her one last time for comfort. Her perfect face was plastered with a smile, the most kindest and sweetest smile she have ever seen.

"My name's Sophia Bush by the way. Good luck."

"Thank you. I'm Erin Lindsay." she said before proceeding down the hall towards Dr. Kate Beckett's office with her backpack in her hand.

* * *

"Good afternoon, Miss Lindsay. It's nice to meet you. Please, have a seat." she smiled and gestured the tousled adult to take the seat in front of her.

Erin couldn't be more grateful that her doctor wasn't a cranky old woman. She was terrified beyond belief as it is.

"Ok, so I'd like to get started with some simple questions before we start the ultrasound." Dr. Beckett said to Erin in which she responded with a simple nod. Flipping through her files, Dr. Beckett pulled out some papers before jotting something down.

"When was the last time you were sexually active, Miss Lindsay?"

Erin blushed. Though she was looking down on her lap, pulling at the straps of her backpack, her eyes were still as large as saucers. She definitely wasn't expecting that. "Umm, about two months ago, I guess..." she admitted, "January twelfth."

She would never forget that day. That greatest and biggest mistake she've ever made in her twenty one years of life.

"Do you work or you're a student?"

"I'm a student but I also work with my dad at the police station...on the weekends...sometimes...filling paperwork and stuff."

She nodded, jotting down her answer as it is established that her line of duty is deemed safe for pregnancy. "So, no high risk work going on."

"Nope."

"First pregnancy?"

"Yes."

"Ever had any sexually transmitted diseases?"

"No."

A few seconds of silence filled the air as Dr. Beckett continued with her paperwork. Chewing on her bottom lip, Erin fidgeted with her fingers. Now was her chance to bring up her question.

 _Ok. Here goes nothing._

"Umm, Dr. Beckett? I actually wanted to discuss my options with you."

As she stopped her fingers from moving, she put down the pen and looked up from the paperwork. Confusion. Erin can tell that the doctor was now pretty confused on what she had meant by ' _options_ '.

"I, I want an abortion...I mean...yeah." she finally admitted out loudly but that somehow only seemed to make her feel worse.  
Why wasn't there a rush of relief? She knew she wanted it.

Leaning far back on her seat, Dr. Beckett crossed her fingers together on the table. "Well then, we'll discuss that."

Erin nodded again, still not meeting her gaze. An ever so slight amount of weight had left her shoulders, she can now finally breath freely. Now that she had said what needed to be said, the topic was now up for discussion. She could only hope that the doctor wasn't judging her too harshly but with everyone's opinions on abortion, it was hard not to worry. Dr. Beckett took another form from her cabinets and Erin watched as her name was being scribbled down on the top right hand corner.

"If this is really what you want, we'll have to touch bases on everything and you will have to be completely honest with me, Miss Lindsay."

A twinkle of sadness had washed over her eyes which in fact caught Erin off guard and for a moment she thought the kind doctor was against abortions. And was going to cloud her judgement and guilt her into keeping the baby. That is until she reached out to lightly give a comforting squeeze on her hand. Then she realised, Dr. Beckett felt sorry for her.  
"Ok."

 _Why didn't I just tell Kim already?_

Regretting her decision of keeping such stress to herself, she wanted her best friend by her side, telling her that everything would be alright and backing her decision.

"Is someone forcing you to get an abortion, Erin?"

Taken aback by her question, she narrowed her brows at her doctor. She wouldn't let anyone but herself to be in charge of her body. "What? God, no."

"Why is it that you want an abortion?"

Doctors weren't supposed to ask these type of questions, she was sure of it. It was her choice. Her decision to have the baby or not. Keeping it would mean ruining her chances of becoming a cop so right now, she had to be selfish. She couldn't bare to lose the her entire life.

"I can't be a mom. Ever." she simply stated, still unable to meet her gaze. The doctor sighed, sounding disappointed. She was definitely judging her. Big time. She knew what she was saying in her head.

 _Irresponsible_

"There is adoption."

"Yea but I can't _be_ pregnant. I can't do the whole nine months thing. I'm graduating from the Police Academy in June. That would make me six months pregnant, going on seven months and I can't take the physical with a ginormous belly. And I can't take graduate if I don't take the exams. If I don't graduate, I'll have to start all over again." she rephrased, tapping her feet steadily at the ground. There was no way in hell, she was going to retake the Academy from Year One. She was already so close to the end.

Dr. Beckett didn't have to say a word, again Erin knew what she was thinking. She could've taken protective measures in order to not end up like how she is today. All this would've been avoided.

 _A condom_

 _Birth control_

 _Not get too drunk_

 _How can Chicago entrust their safety on a foolish and irresponsible twenty one year old?_

Her skin was on fire. Her face started to heat up with all the thoughts of what she could've done differently. The nausea returned in the pit of her stomach, threatening to spill.

"How does your boyfriend feel about all of this?"

 _Oh no! More judging!_

"I don't have a boyfriend. It was a one night stand." she muttered. There was no point in hiding that fact from her anymore. There was no way she could be thinking less of her more than she already is.

Not able to see what the doctor had scribbled down on the paperwork, she was certain she saw the word _irresponsible_.

"Look, Doc, could we just schedule an appointment or something? I'm certain that this is what I want and discussing it further wouldn't change my mind."

"Miss Lindsay, I need to explain..." she crossed her legs and leaned forward, elbows on the table.  
"The new abortion law passed on the January 1st, 2007, by the state of Illinois, Article two, Section seventeen, requires the signatures of both parties, the woman carrying the foetus and the father of the unborn child. A test will be done before the abortion, confirming the DNA, otherwise the procedure cannot be performed."

Her chest tightened up immediately, blood boiling in rage. This is absurd. This stupid policy certainly didn't make any sense. It not only is dead right outrageous but also degrading to all women. They had no say over their own body.  
"You've got to be kidding me!" she exclaimed in disgust. She hadn't got a choice. The law is the law.

"How long do I have?" she asked. Her bottom lip quivering. She fought desperately to push the impending tears back into her tear ducts. She was tired, exhausted and back to square one.

 _What an absolute nightmare!_

 _How the hell am I going to find this mystery man?_

"The new policy also bans abortions past the sixteenth week mark, the begin of the second trimester so you have about eight weeks, Miss Lindsay. But exceptions can be made if your health will be compromised or if the foetus were to suffer once viable."

Passing through the waiting area, she looked for the kind woman, _Sophia_ , for comfort but she was no where in site. Dr. Beckett's words rang in her ears; she had about two months to track down this stranger, her mistake, her baby daddy in the City of Chicago.

 _Is he even in Chicago?_

In a city of 9.4 million people.

In a state of 12 million people.

In a country of 310 million people.

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! Thanks so much for the positive feedback and liking this story! Leave a review and let me know what you think!**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Adam, what do you think of this design?" Kim asked her fiancé, holding up a very heavy wedding catalogue, "Do you like it?"

Now that their wedding date was reeling too soon, Kim was in panic mode. They still hadn't sent out their invitations, or have their sitting and flower arrangements ready. And most importantly, she still hadn't pick out a wedding gown. They would be getting married in two and a half months, the weekend after their graduation and they still hadn't decided on anything but the venue. At this point, they are so utterly screwed. Only a miracle could make this wedding happen.

Adam merely glanced at the page she was holding up at him before turning his attention back at the TV in front of him. "Sure, babe. Very pretty."

He had no idea what she was showing him. He was too busy watching a bunch of grown men skating on ice, fighting each other for a small, black circle.

Kim sighed loudly, clearly not hiding her disappointment that her husband-to-be couldn't at the very least pretend he was excited about their wedding. Rolling her eyes, she was beyond frustrated and tired. They needed to at least make one decision today and right now. Placing the heavy catalogue back down on the coffee table, she desperately needed to tried a different tactic to grab his attention. Sometimes he's such a big baby. Leaving her to wonder what was his charm and quality that attracted her in the first place.

"Adam." Kim smiled calm, gently taking his hand in hers. He still wasn't paying much attention at her. Not at all. Even though she wanted to smack him in the head over and over again, she kept her cool. She knows she has a tendency to over exaggerate when she's stressed out.  
"Do you want to go out for dinner tonight? Or we could head over to my mom's. She could whip us something to eat and help us with the planning at the same time."

Adam rolled his eyes and pulled his hand out of hers. "K, sure."  
She frowned. All she wanted was to plan her dream wedding with her soulmate but it all seems like a nightmare now, he hadn't got a care in the world.

"C'mon, Adam. We still-"

"Look," he seethed, annoyed. "Just pick whatever design you want for the wedding, whatever dress you want...whatever you want and you'll have it, alright? Now, can I watch the game in peace."

Glaring at him in pure disbelief with her mouth hung open, she sprang from the couch and onto her feet. "Seriously, Adam!" she huffed, grabbing the remote from his hand and turning off the TV.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, "I was still watching!" he threw his hands up in the air. He just can't believe she had the audacity to turn the damn TV off when Blackhawks was about to score the winning shot.  
"I don't care! We're getting married in a few months and we still hadn't got anything ready, Adam!"

"What do you want me to do?"

Fists clutching in her sides, she was fuming in rage. She wanted to result in violence, to hit him, but she knew better than to stoop so low. Violence is never the answer. "I want you to care!" she yelled. She couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. He was the one who proposed. He was the one who got down on one knee and popped the question. And now he couldn't even give a damn.

"I do!" he reiterated.

He could see the fury in her eyes and knew she was well beyond pissed. It was extremely rare to see Kim blow up like this since she always tries to look for the positive in heated situations. So in the occasions when she does crank up, it can only mean that there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

"No, you don't. You do not care! You're more in that stupid game than planning our wedding. I want us to do it together!" she spat, tears brimming in her eyes.

"You're the bride! You're supposed to make all the decisions. Whatever you want is fine with me!"  
She narrowed her eyes, chocked her head to one side. "Who in the fucking world told you that! We're supposed to do it together!"

Kim watched as Adam ran his hands through his hair and exhaled, exasperated. Tired of their never ending argument. He knew this argument wasn't leading them anywhere and would definitely have the same outcome regardless.  
"Ok, fine." he grunted, grabbing the heavy catalogue off the coffee table and started flipping threw pages after pages aggressively.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, she shook her head in disgust. He still doesn't care. "Forget it!" she shoved past him and grab her things off the couch before stomping towards the front door.

Adam grabbed her by the forearm before she could get far and yanked her closer, holding tightly onto her arm as she struggled to get free.  
"Take your hands off me!" she sneered, still fighting free, tugging her arm from his grasp. Eventually, he let go and she made a dash for the door.

But before stepping out of his apartment, she stopped, her back facing him.

"Do you even want to get married?"

* * *

"Fuck!" Adam screamed, throwing the heavy catalogue that was still in his hands against the wall.

Her question, that pained him more than anything, lingered in the air.

 _Do you even want to get married?_

Of course, he does. What kind of a question was that?

His intentions were not in any shape or form malicious. She was hurt, he could see it in her eyes and demeanour. He never meant to hurt her but he did anyway. He just didn't understand why she was so riled up and stressed out about everything. They already got the venue, church, cake and catering ready. All they needed were a few more tweaks and decisions to be made and they're done.

Just then as he slumped back onto the couch, his phone rang. Reaching into his pockets, he scrambled to stop the annoying monotone ringing.

"What!" he snapped into the phone. He didn't care who was at the other end, he was absolutely livid.  
"Whoa! What crawled up your ass!" he heard Erin's voice on the other end. He was sure she was taken aback by his attitude.

"Hey. Sorry." he apologised. Having one woman mad at him was already too much to handle, he wasn't about to add on the pressure. "I didn't mean to be rude. It's just...Kim and I had a fight."

Rolling her eyes, he must have done or acted so opaque to tick her best friend off. "What'd you do this time?" Erin breathed.  
"I...You know what? It really doesn't matter." he shrugged. There wasn't a point in telling his fiancé's best friend about their argument, either way Erin would obviously side in her favour.

"So, c'mon. Cut to the chase. Why you called?" he questioned. Erin calling him was something very new and off putting to him. He doesn't seem to recall ever talking to her on the phone.  
"Right...Remember Kev's party. Like two months ago. In January." she started.

Two and a half months ago, at that stupid party, at that stupid penthouse, as she manoeuvred her her way through the luxury apartment with a couple of other friends and a bottle of beer in her hand, on her peripheral view, she caught a glimpse of Adam Ruzek. Chugging down shots after shots. Shocked wasn't even in her vocabulary list that night. She wasn't the least bit surprised to see him there. But instead, infuriated that he would defile Kim when she insisted and he promised that he would step foot into that party.

"Now, before you deny that you were even there, let me tell you, I saw you at that night. And I know you saw me there too."

Silence

She was right. He too saw her at that party and was trying his best to avoid being at the same room as her at all cost until she somehow disappeared into thin air. He thought she had left and went back home.

 _What if she tells Kim? She's her best friend. That would only further strain our already fucked up relationship._

Sensing his hesitation, she tried reassuring him that she wouldn't say or do anything that would further jeopardise their relationship. It wouldn't be the right to add even more gasoline into the fire that is their relationship. "Don't worry. I haven't told her and I'm not planning to."  
"Phew. Thanks, Erin." he sighed, "But something tells me that that isn't why you're calling."

Taking a deep breathe, Adam was her only and last chance that she could think of in looking for the stranger that impregnated her. Ever time she thought about _him_ just angered her. Blood boiling at the mere thought. She didn't know who was even more dumber that night. She, for sleeping with a stranger. Or him, for not using a condom.

 _Him_

At the beginning, she had no intentions in asking him for help, she didn't want him to be suspicious but after an entire week of dead ends, she was at a loss. She hadn't got a choice.  
"Did you happen to see me with anyone that night? Like you know, was I talking to someone? A guy maybe, who happens to have reddish brown hair..."

"Why? Are you alright?" he asked, concerned for her wellbeing. He cared about Erin more than he liked to admit.  
"Yea, I'm fine. I just, I just need to talk to him that's all."

"Ok." he said wearily. Pursuing his lips, he began wrecking his brain to recall all the places in that penthouse he saw her that night. But with the amount of alcohol consumed that night, it was little more difficult than he had anticipated.

 _Saw her in the living room...and then in the kitchen!_

"Ahhhh! Ok so I think I saw you twice that night. The first, you were with your friends. I think? Then, I saw you talking to some dude with a baseball cap...Umm, reddish brown hair? I don't really know. I guess?"

 _I guess?_

That was good enough for her. A questionable lead but it was better than no leads at all. At least now she has a path to follow suit.  
"Can you do me a favour and ask for his number please? And could you put a rush on it? And don't mention my name."  
"Ok. Sure. I'll ask around. But you have to tell me why? Are you sure you're fine?"

 _There was clearly something wrong with her, why else would she want his phone number?_

 _Did that bastard gave her a disease? That explains why she was acting weirder than usual._

 _Was it an STD?_

"I can't. It complicated. Just trust me, ok? I promise I'm fine. Oh and please don't mention our conversation to Kim."  
"She wouldn't want to talk to me so your secret's safe with me." he reassured.

Mentally smacking herself in the face, she had completely forgotten that the two love birds had gotten into fight. Since Adam was doing her a favour of a lifetime, it's only fair that she returned him one that was just as genuine.  
"I'll talk to her. But just promise me whatever you did or didn't do won't happen again."

A rush of relief surged through her entire system as she ended the call, she could now start studying for her exams in peace. Without any distractions. With the abortion coming up and the exams a month after, she wouldn't have time to reach her goal of above 90th percentile if she don't start reviewing now.

 _Well, that wasn't too hard!_

She was finally one step closer to finding her stupid baby daddy. She can't wait to get her life and future back on track.

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! Thanks for reading! Here's another chapter! Leave a review and tell me what you think!**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 ** _Quick note before we start! I'd really like for you all to check out my newest Linstead story, it's called Christmas. It's angsty and very Jay-centric. Please do review!_**

* * *

"You're pregnant!"

Those words flew right out of her mouth in one breath. _You're pregnant!_ Her eyes bulged out of her sockets at the thought of a life, a living being, growing inside her best friend.

A life that she helped created.

A life she's responsible of.

A life she knows she's not ready to have.

After Erin had spent the last five minutes pouring her heart out, cursing at her life and the choices she has made and had to make, Kim actually didn't hear anything else after the words _'I'm pregnant'._

 _What was she going to do?_

 _What about being a cop?_

With a huff, she watched as Erin rose up from where she was sitting on her bed and tossed the pillow she was cowering behind onto the floor before hurrying to shut her bedroom door with a loud bang.

"You're pregnant!" she shouted even louder this time. Thinking that now with the door closed, Voight wouldn't hear them at all. But either way, she really don't think he have since he's practically elbows deep in his study reviewing a case.

 _Pregnant? Erin? Baby? Mommy Erin?_

Erin and the words mother definitely do not correlate.

All the incidents and the obvious events that had happened over the past month made so much sense now. The vomiting, mood swings, stomach aches, the constant irritability.

 _She's pregnant!_

"Would you like a mic with that, Kimberly!" Erin asked sarcastically as she paced about the room in a frenzy, "Huh? Now keep your voice down. Voight doesn't know!" she said quietly, running her fingers over her hair. "And he doesn't have to know anything."

 _What mess has she gotten herself into?_

If only she hadn't had gone to that stupid and absolutely regretful party three months ago, if only she had listen to her, she wouldn't be pregnant today.

"You're pregnant?"

The signs and symptoms were all there as Kim thought back to a few weeks ago. They were all there since the beginning. It was so obvious but nothing had clicked in her head until now.

 _Why couldn't she have thought about that weeks ago?_

 _How is she going to make detective one day when she couldn't even figure out that her best friend's pregnant?_

She gasped loudly as a thought came to mind. "Erin!"

The guy from the party, was he the father? Was this baby a product of their recklessness? A one night stand?

"I'm pregnant..." she whispered in bare utterance and looked down at her feet, then back up at Kim.

She finally actually said it; she's pregnant. Since the day she had found out that she was, she has never allow herself to accept that fate.

Denial can only help her for so long.

 _She didn't want to be pregnant._

"No!" she burst into tears, sliding down one of her four bedroom walls as she continued to be lost in her own daze.

 _She really wished she was joking._

"I can't be a mother." she cried, wiping her nose with the back of her. "I'm not mother-material...I'm not motherly..."

Though she loves babies and found them unmistakably cute and delightful, at the end of the day, she loves kids because they are not hers, they are not her responsibility to bare.

"Oh, Erin." Kim sat do next to her on the ground, wrapping her in a tight embrace. Now as she cried uncontrollably, Kim can't help but to be in shock of her tears. Erin wasn't one to weep, ever, and she can honestly say that she've never seen her wipe a tear.

Initially, the first emotion that came to mind was of anger. Angry that Erin didn't inform her of such news sooner. Angry since they're best of friends, they tell each other everything and anything.

 _Why couldn't Erin have trusted her?_

She wasn't one to judge or criticise a personal decision, so she opt not to pester her of a reason why she didn't use protection that night.

 _Maybe she had?_

 _Maybe she hadn't?_

Either way, it was stupid of her to sleep with a stranger in the first place but she's going to keep that thought to herself because Erin's already going through a tough time and Kim definitely didn't need to be that person who doesn't have a filter.

 _She's pregnant for Christ's sake!_

Tears fell down her cheeks one after the other, over and over again, nonstop and in a cycle. Her tears couldn't be contained. She've never cried so much in her entire life that right now, she was scaring herself.

 _Hormones._

She blame it on the hormones that now has definitely multiplied.

 _She's uncontrollable._

"I'm sorry, honey." Kim said, gently tracing circles on her back, trying to help calm her down.

She knows nothing she can say or do would give her the comfort and assurance she needed since this was her doing and was something she had to figure out for herself.

"I can't have a baby, Kim. I don't wanna end up like my mother. Broke...a struggling parent...cuz that's where I'm heading if I keep _it_."

At 21, the same age she is at the moment, Bunny had her against her parents wishes and as a result they kicked her out of the house. Since then Bunny hasn't failed to remind her how much of a regret it was to keep her. And Erin had to admit, her words stung like venom each and every time she spat it in her face.

"You won't. You'll be a fantastic mother." Kim smiled when she made eye contact with her teary friend.

"I, I can't..." she sobbed while clinging onto her shirt, "I can't have _it_...I'm not...I'm sorry..." she absentmindedly placed a hand on her stomach.

She has to get rid of _it_ before she gets too attached to _it_ since it seems like she already has.

She has to be selfish and think about her future, the future Voight helped build for her.

For once, she has to prioritise herself instead if other.

She has to graduate from the academy this year. Repeating two years is not an option.

 _Abortion_ , Kim thought. She believes every women has the right to decide that for themselves but was Erin really deciding that for herself, what's best for her or for what's best for Voight?

Running her hands through her hair, "Erin, you're ok. Whatever you decide but-"

She couldn't even finish her sentence as a loud blaring ring made her jump, startled, and Erin quickly grab her phone off her dresser.

"Hello?" she mumbled breathlessly into the phone, leaning her elbow against the top of the dresser and rested her head on her palms.

This whole pregnancy thing was sucking the life right out of her. Every night, much like right now, she was left feeling both mentally and physically drained.

 _Who knew something a size of a pea could cause someone so much grief?_

"Hello. Yeah, umm, I got a dozen, no, almost thirty plus accumulated voicemails and texts from this number saying that you got something urgent to tell me."

 _It's him!_

His voice.

She had recognised his voice from the party. Though he didn't really say much that night, other than his expressed content with her _skills_ , she would recognise that deep after tone of his anywhere.

About a month ago when Adam gave her the number, she found the courage to make that much needed phone call which somehow ended up with her making a dozen voicemails a week, until his voicemail ended up full.

 _It's him!_

Images of their naked bodies flashed in her head and she shuddered as she can practically still feel the sleek and cool touch of his skin on her smooth and soft one.

 _It's him!_

She froze, too scared and nervous to even move a muscle, let alone breathe.

 _It's him!_

This is it!

 _But why isn't she as ecstatic as she thought she'd be?_

She has no doubts about her decision.

 _Does she?_

She definitely doesn't. This decision was going to put her life back on track, on a path to being a detective for the infamous Intelligence Unit alongside her father.

Kim noticed her too quiet for too long so she nudged her, snapping her from her trance. Rising her brows, she silently asked if everything was alright, she nodded and smiled a toothy grin. Everything was more than fine.

This baby will be gone in a few days.

"Ma'am?" his concerned voice broke her mini panic attack and she turned to Kim who too was looking at her with grave concern, "Hello? Are you there?" he asked unsurely.

Erin took a few more seconds before sighing deeply to find her voice, "Y-yes. Yeah. I'm so sorry. I just..." she stuttered nervously. She can feel the food she consumed earlier rotting deep in the pit of her stomach.

"It alright, ma'am. I must be the one to apologise for not getting back to you sooner. You see, I was outta the country for the last two months..."

Before practically sprinting to the toilet as her guts decided that it was the best idea to travel their way back up her throat, she had arraigned for their meeting to be two days from now at around lunchtime and he promised to be there.

 _He promised._

Though he insisted that she tell him what was so urgent over the phone, she declined in fears that he would freak out and refuse to meet with her.

If it were the other way around, she definitely wouldn't.

A sense of relief washed over her as she threw herself over the toilet just in time to empty her stomach. It felt as though a year's worth of deadweight had been lifted off her shoulders.

Her future can now go as planned.

 _She found him._

In all of Chicago, she found the nameless man and with time to spare. All she had to do now was to get him to sign the abortion papers, take a little cheek swab and he'll be out of her life for good and forever.

She'd barely even notice him enter her life since she would have known him for all but five minutes.

They'll never even have to see each other again.

 _How hard can it be?_

No twenty-one year old in their right minds would want to be tied down at such a young age.

She doesn't and she knows he definitely wouldn't.

 _Signatures._

 _Test._

 _Goodbye._

 _Abortion._

She'd be doing him a favour.

At least she learned something from this mistake, she's never having sex ever again.

 _Ever._

 _/_

 **My sincerest apologies for not posting any sooner. I truly am ashamed of my actions. But I promise the next chapter wouldn't be such a long wait. Please let me know what you think and whether Erin is doing the right thing.**


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